Patty Mills: “That’s What I’m Talking About!”*

*In no way is this actually real news.

Haters of the spoils system and nepotism are furious this evening as Paul Allen, owner of the Portland Trail Blazers, convinced the Blazers’ front office to tender a qualifying offer for his BBFF (bigger best friend forever) Patty Mills.  Mills, one of 43 point guards on Portland’s roster, had spent the last three weeks canoodling his best buddy boss Allen, hoping his NBA tenure with the Blazers would continue.  Skeptics assumed Mills’ days in Portland were over after the acquisition of Raymond Felton and the addition of Duke guard Nolan Smith; however, they underestimated the power of love.

Allen might have the public perception of a cold-blooded, ruthless business man who will fire a person because they like a different coffee than him (see Rich Cho).  But, Allen is an Israeli Sabra at heart: hard on the outside and mushy on the inside.  Ever since Allen laid eyes on Mills during the 2008 Olympics, where Mills took the world by storm, it was love at first sight.  After the Olympics, Allen went on weekend trips to visit Mills at St. Mary’s College where he was seen numerous times with his chest painted with St. Mary’s red and blue at Gaels home games.  (Despite these jaunts to Moraga, CA, Allen was very careful not to violate any NCAA rules.)  When Mills was available in the late second round in 2009, Allen told Kevin Pritchard he would fire him if he didn’t draft Mills.  Then, when coach Nate McMillan informed Allen he wanted to cut Mills from the final roster in both 2009 and 2010, Allen reminded McMillan he was on a one year contract.

Allen and Mills even have inside jokes.  One little known fact is that the origin of the “3 goggles” last season was not because Mills was poking fun at his Spanish friend; rather, it was a hand signal Allen and Mills would give each other at bars when they wanted to indicate to the other that they had made a poor choice in women that night.  Allen, a marketing genius, thought it was so cool that he convinced Mills to integrate it somehow into Blazers culture.  This is just another example of the bromance between the Aussie and the self-proclaimed king of Rock Band.

With the news of the qualifying offer, Mills was seen only hours ago getting picked up by Allen in a helicopter.  Nobody is quite sure where they went, but rumor has it that the two were headed to Moraga to relive their first in-person meeting.

--Jonathan