Saturday, June 25, 2011

Patty Mills—Whatever it Takes for the Qualifying Offer & More*

*In no way is this actually real news
Patty Mills doesn’t want to test the waters of free agency; rather, he wants to cruise the waters with his best buddy (BFF), the man who once dated Monica Seles.  His hope is to attain a qualifying offer and the promise of a starting spot with the consent of his best friend.  In order to ensure he receives these career defining offers, Mills realizes he must become even better friends with his boss (even though Mr. Allen won’t allow Mills to call him that.)

Mills knows he is Mr. Allen’s favorite.  Two years in a row he has been the surprise winner of the Blazers’ final roster spot, beating out former Blazer Ime Udoka in 2009 and being retained after Jeff Pendergraph mysteriously went down with a season ending knee injury during the preseason last year.  Both years, the Blazers staff attempted to hide the Australian basketball prodigy from fans during the preseason, stashing him at the end of the bench so no fans would plead for him to get playing time.  Yet on decision day, the brainchild of Microsoft, the surcharge man of Ticketmaster, made one phone call to Larry Miller and Nate McMillan and said, “You know who you need to take.”

After a year that saw Mills overtake the backup point guard position from THE heir apparent (Bayless…or was it Jack…no Johnson), Mills has spent the summer trying to gain BBFF (bigger best friend forever) status with Mr. Allen.  Mills told his departing buddy Rudy Fernandez he believes, in addition to receiving the Blazers' qualifying offer, he can be given the key to Portland’s backcourt with Mr. Allen’s blessing. 

Yesterday, Mills was seen on Mr. Allen’s famed yacht teaching him Australian rules football.  Mills recruited Mr. Allen’s 34 largest body guards and erected titanium goal posts on the SSW corner of the north deck of Mr. Allen’s yacht (three stories above the torpedoes).  After slipping each bodyguard $20 Australian dollars to go easy on Mr. Allen, Mills ensured his BBFF would be victorious in his inaugural game, allowing him to score the deciding goal.  After the game, the two were scene watching a documentary about the origins of Microsoft that gave sole credit in the creation of Microsoft to Mr. Allen.

We will know by Thursday whether Mills’ efforts paid off.  Stay tuned…


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