*in no way is this actually real news
Tualatin, OR. The Red Cross is announcing today that Jon Diebler, the Portland Trailblazer’s second round draft pick out of Ohio State, is in “fair” health after doctors were finally allowed to visit him in his holding cell deep inside the Blazer’s practice facility. In accordance with the Geneva Convention of 1929 the Red Cross was allowed to administer a light physical and bring him missives from his loved ones back home. Red Cross Dr. Heinrich Gettenberg administered the physical and said that there were no signs of micro or macro fracture surgeries. Diebler was taken hostage by the Blazers shortly after Portland traded Petteri Koponen to the Dallas Mavericks.
The NBA is still not acknowledging Diebler’s existence.