In honor of Bastille Day and French independence, Nicolas Batum of the Portland Trail Blazers sent a red, white, and blue telegram this morning to the National Basketball Players Association demanding the union adopt the French motto of Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity in their negotiations with the owners. As an incentive for Billy Hunter, Executive Director of the NBPA, to embrace Batum’s initiative, the French Scottie Pippen had a couple of French delicacies delivered with the telegram, including Freedom Fries and Freedom toast. While we could not attain a copy of the actual telegram, we were able to get a detailed summary from the delivery woman. The letter read something like this:
Je love notre league. Mais, Je pense I can aide. Nous should adopt la devise de la République française: Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité parce que…
Liberté: Slaves, non! Tell them nous need Liberté from owners parce que nous are men.
Égalité: Nous are equal avec l’owners. L’owners need savoir nous are hommes like them. Hommes should respect hommes.
Fraternité: Nous both aimons basketball, donc nous sommes brothers. Brothers aimes, ne fight pas.
La France est perfect. Tu know that. Alors, let’s be comme la France. Je promise it will work!
Viva la France!
Batum has yet to hear back from Mr. Hunter, but a post-it note was attached to the telegram stating he could be found shooting illegal fireworks somewhere in Portland while eating the most delicious homemade chocolate croissant anyone could imagine.